\u201cDo we have enough stamps?\u201d my cousin Jo asked, licking the flap of the last envelope at my kitchen table.<\/p>\n
That was the last plain thing she said before she crossed her name off the reunion list.<\/span><\/p>\n I had a stack of invitations between us and the old address book my mother used to keep. It still had phone numbers written in blue ink from the years before everybody got cell phones. Jo was helping because I\u2019d been doing the reunion for six years, and she\u2019s the kind of person who notices when the labels are crooked.<\/p>\n I thought we were having an ordinary afternoon.<\/p>\n Jo had been with Lena for eleven years. I knew that. I\u2019d eaten dinner at their house, called Lena when Jo had surgery, and sent them both a Christmas card every year. Still, I\u2019d addressed the invitation to \u201cJo and guest.\u201d<\/p>\n I told myself it was polite. I told myself I was avoiding a family argument before it started.<\/p>\n Jo put down the envelope. \u201cWhy does Lena not have a name?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I said I\u2019d been in a hurry. That was true, but not the whole truth.<\/p>\n I could see her looking at the envelope, then at me. She didn\u2019t raise her voice. That made it worse.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not asking you to fight with anybody,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m asking you to invite my partner like she belongs there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I started to say that of course Lena belonged there. But my mouth got ahead of me, like it usually does when I\u2019m embarrassed. I said the reunion was for everybody and I didn\u2019t want Uncle Ray turning it into a whole thing.<\/p>\n Jo picked up the pen.<\/p>\n \u201cThen I guess I\u2019m not coming.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n She crossed her name off the list. Not hard. Just one straight line through it.<\/span><\/p>\n I watched her do it and still tried to make it sound like a misunderstanding. That is one of my worse habits. I start managing other people\u2019s feelings before I\u2019ve admitted what I did.<\/p>\n Jo took her coat from the back of the chair. She didn\u2019t slam the door. She just left the invitation on the table.<\/p>\n The envelope had \u201cand guest\u201d written in my handwriting.<\/p>\n I called her after supper and apologized. I told her I\u2019d make a new invitation with Lena\u2019s name on it. Jo said she appreciated that, but she wasn\u2019t ready to say yes.<\/p>\n Then she asked me what I would do when Uncle Ray objected.<\/p>\n I said I\u2019d handle it.<\/p>\n She waited a second. \u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t have an answer. I heard myself say I\u2019d call her back.<\/p>\n That night, I sat at the kitchen table with the invitation and felt worse than I expected to. Not because Jo had yelled at me. She hadn\u2019t. I felt bad because she\u2019d asked one simple thing, and I\u2019d made it sound like a problem she was bringing into the family.<\/p>\n I\u2019d been doing that for years, only in smaller ways.<\/p>\n At Christmas, I\u2019d asked Jo if Lena was coming, instead of saying I\u2019d saved a seat for Lena. When we made plans at my mother\u2019s house, I\u2019d sometimes call Jo and say, \u201cBring whoever you want,\u201d like Lena was an extra place setting she could decide to use. I had never said anything nasty to Lena. I thought that counted for more than it did.<\/p>\n I guess I\u2019d treated politeness as a substitute for welcome.<\/span><\/p>\n The reunion was in May at the county community hall, the same place we\u2019d used since I took over from my mother. The room had a kitchen with a coffee pot that always tasted faintly like the hot plate. We\u2019d bring fried chicken, potato salad, sheet cake, and a box of family photos somebody would eventually pass around.<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t fancy. That was part of why I liked it. Nobody needed to dress up, and the kids could run between the tables without anyone worrying about the carpet.<\/p>\n Ray had come every year since I\u2019d been organizing it. He was my mother\u2019s older brother, and he liked to be asked before people changed anything. He also thought that because he was older, his opinion had already been considered.<\/p>\n When I was younger, he was the uncle who took us fishing and let us sit in the front seat of his truck. I didn\u2019t want to turn him into a bad man in my head. I still don\u2019t. But I knew what he thought about Jo and Lena. He\u2019d made his opinion clear in little remarks, never long enough to sound like a speech.<\/p>\n After Jo came out, Ray had said, \u201cI don\u2019t want to hear about it at the table.\u201d<\/p>\n My mother changed the subject. I did too.<\/p>\n That\u2019s the part I keep coming back to. I didn\u2019t want a fight, so I let Jo carry the strain of keeping the peace.<\/span> Then I called myself kind because I hadn\u2019t picked a side.<\/p>\n I rewrote the envelope the next morning. I put \u201cJo and Lena\u201d on the front in black ink. I didn\u2019t write \u201cand guest.\u201d I took a picture and texted it to Jo.<\/p>\n She didn\u2019t respond for a few hours. I kept checking my phone, which was ridiculous. I was the one who\u2019d made the mess.<\/p>\n Finally she wrote, \u201cThat\u2019s better. I\u2019m still thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n I wanted to ask what there was to think about. I didn\u2019t. I knew.<\/p>\n A week later I went to Jo and Lena\u2019s for coffee. I\u2019d brought the invitation, though it was already in the mail. I also brought a grocery-store pound cake because my mother taught me never to show up empty-handed, even when cake was not the point.<\/p>\n Lena answered the door. She gave me a quick hug and moved aside. Jo was in the kitchen putting mugs on the table.<\/p>\n I remember that one mug had a small chip near the handle. I don\u2019t know why I remember it. Maybe because I held it too carefully.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Jo stirred her coffee. \u201cFor the envelope?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFor the envelope. For making you feel like you had to explain Lena. For knowing Ray would be difficult and acting like that was your problem to solve.\u201d<\/p>\n Lena looked at me but didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n I said I\u2019d put both their names on the invitation. I said I\u2019d also make sure there was a place for them at the table.<\/p>\n Jo said, \u201cThat\u2019s not the same as answering me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n She was right. I had come to bring an apology, hoping the apology would do the rest.<\/p>\n I told her I hadn\u2019t spoken to Ray yet.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you going to?\u201d<\/p>\n I said I was.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you going to say?\u201d<\/p>\n I took a sip of coffee and burned my tongue. I had not thought beyond telling him that Lena was invited. I was still treating the hard part like a conversation I could schedule and control.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll tell him she\u2019s part of the family,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Jo\u2019s face didn\u2019t change. \u201cYou already know he won\u2019t agree.\u201d<\/p>\n I said I knew.<\/p>\n That was the whole reason I\u2019d left her name off in the first place. I didn\u2019t want Ray to object, and I didn\u2019t want Jo to see me trying to keep him comfortable at her expense. Somehow I\u2019d thought I could have both.<\/p>\n Lena spoke then. \u201cI don\u2019t need him to like me.\u201d<\/p>\n She said it quietly. No drama. She was holding the spoon in both hands, rolling it between her fingers.<\/p>\n \u201cI just don\u2019t want to be introduced like I\u2019m somebody Jo brought along.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I said I understood. I don\u2019t know if I did right then. I understood the words. I hadn\u2019t felt how often I\u2019d put her in that position.<\/p>\n Jo walked me to the door. She thanked me for coming over, which was kind of her and also made me feel like a person who\u2019d needed to be thanked for doing the minimum.<\/p>\n When I got home, Ray\u2019s invitation was still on the counter. I had written \u201cRay and Martha\u201d on it. Martha had died four years earlier, but I still thought of the two of them together when I addressed mail. I changed it to \u201cRay.\u201d<\/p>\n I did that, then sat there with the pen in my hand.<\/p>\n I called him after dinner. He was watching the evening news and had to turn down the television.<\/p>\n I told him the invitation was in the mail. I said Jo and Lena were coming, if they decided to, and they\u2019d be listed by name.<\/p>\n He was quiet long enough that I could hear the TV from his end.<\/p>\n Then he said, \u201cI\u2019m not sitting at a table with that.\u201d<\/p>\n I felt my face get hot. I was standing by the sink with a dish towel in my hand. It had a little hole near the corner, and I started pulling at it.<\/p>\n I said I wasn\u2019t asking him to approve of anyone. I said Lena was Jo\u2019s partner and she was invited.<\/p>\n Ray said, \u201cYou\u2019re making this into something.\u201d<\/p>\n I almost backed down. I want to be honest about that.<\/span> I said maybe we could talk about it at the reunion, which would have meant Jo and Lena walking into the room without knowing whether they were welcome.<\/span><\/p>\n Ray said he\u2019d think about coming.<\/p>\n I thanked him. I actually thanked him.<\/p>\n Then I hung up and felt ashamed of how quickly I\u2019d given him room to decide whether two people could sit at the same table.<\/p>\n The next few days, I kept finding reasons not to call Jo. I wanted to tell her what Ray had said, but I didn\u2019t want to make her carry the news before I knew what I was going to do. That sounds considerate. It was mostly fear. I was afraid she\u2019d ask me to make a choice, and I was afraid I already knew the answer.<\/p>\n My mother called to ask whether Ray had received his invitation. She said she hoped I hadn\u2019t \u201cstirred things up\u201d over the reunion.<\/p>\n I told her I\u2019d invited Lena by name.<\/p>\n There was a pause.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know how Ray is,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n I said I did.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s old-fashioned.\u201d<\/p>\n I started to say that old-fashioned wasn\u2019t the same as harmless. Instead, I asked if she was coming.<\/p>\n \u201cOf course,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m not missing my own family reunion.\u201d<\/p>\n I wanted to ask if Jo was her family too. I didn\u2019t. I hung up and put the kettle on, even though I didn\u2019t want tea.<\/p>\n This was the part where I could have kept it vague and hoped the day went smoothly. I could tell Jo that Ray might be there and let her choose whether to risk it. I could also say I\u2019d done my best, which is a phrase people use when they\u2019d rather be done.<\/p>\n I sent Jo a text. I told her Ray had objected and I hadn\u2019t answered him well. I asked if she would talk to me.<\/p>\n She called that night.<\/p>\n I told her I was sorry I\u2019d made her ask twice. I said I\u2019d call Ray again, and this time I\u2019d tell him what would happen if he refused to sit with Lena.<\/p>\n Jo was quiet. \u201cWhat would happen?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I swallowed. \u201cHe\u2019d have to leave.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I heard a little breath from her end. Not relief, exactly.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you sure you can do that?\u201d<\/p>\n I said yes.<\/p>\n That was the first time I believed myself.<\/span><\/p>\n I called Ray the next day. He answered while he was out in his garage, and there was a radio playing low in the background. I told him Jo and Lena were coming, and I needed him to understand they were invited as a couple.<\/p>\n He said, \u201cI told you how I feel.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know. But you don\u2019t get to make Lena leave.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not making anybody do anything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou said you wouldn\u2019t sit with her.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI said what I said.\u201d<\/p>\n I stood there rubbing the side of my thumb. I wanted him to give me an easy way out. I wanted him to say he\u2019d just been mad, or he\u2019d changed his mind, or he\u2019d come and behave. Instead he said he\u2019d decide for himself whether to come.<\/p>\n I said he could decide. I also said if he came and made Jo or Lena feel unwelcome, I\u2019d ask him to leave.<\/span><\/p>\n He let out a short laugh. \u201cYou\u2019d throw your own uncle out?\u201d<\/p>\n I looked at the old address book on the counter. My mother\u2019s blue ink was faded at the edges. I\u2019d used it to keep track of everybody, like being the person with the list meant I was keeping the family together.<\/p>\n \u201cYes,\u201d I said.<\/span><\/p>\n He hung up.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t feel brave. I felt sick and a little angry that I\u2019d let one phone call turn into a test I had to pass. Still, I had finally answered Jo\u2019s question.<\/p>\n Ray didn\u2019t call back. For a few days, I figured he wasn\u2019t coming.<\/p>\n Jo texted me to say she and Lena would come, but she wanted to drive separately. I said that was fine. I didn\u2019t ask her to reassure me.<\/p>\n The morning of the reunion, I got there early to put out the name cards. I\u2019d written Jo and Lena on two cards, side by side. I put them near the middle of the table, not off at the end by the kitchen.<\/span><\/p>\n I had a folding chair in one hand when Ray walked in.<\/p>\n He was carrying a dish of deviled eggs. He\u2019d made them himself, which I knew because he always put paprika on some and left the rest plain. He set the dish down and looked at the name cards.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere do you want these?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n I told him there was room on the table by the drinks.<\/p>\n He glanced at Jo and Lena\u2019s cards. He didn\u2019t say anything right away. I could see him deciding whether to start the argument in front of the people who were already arriving.<\/p>\n Jo and Lena came in a few minutes later. Jo gave me a quick hug. Lena said the room smelled like coffee, and I told her it always did. I was glad she said something ordinary. It gave me a second to breathe.<\/p>\n Ray was near the drinks. Jo saw him, then looked at me.<\/p>\n I walked over before I could talk myself out of it. I told Ray the food table was full, so I\u2019d set his eggs on the side counter. I said Jo and Lena were here, and I expected him to speak to them respectfully.<\/p>\n He said, \u201cI\u2019m not doing anything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay,\u201d I said. \u201cThen we won\u2019t have a problem.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I don\u2019t know why that sentence came out of me. It was plain and maybe a little stiff. But I meant it.<\/p>\n Ray went to sit with my mother and two of his cousins. Nobody made a speech. Nobody clapped. People started eating. The reunion kept being a reunion, with paper plates and kids asking where the cookies were.<\/p>\n Ray didn\u2019t sit with Jo and Lena. They didn\u2019t ask him to. He also didn\u2019t make a scene or say anything cruel. He left after about an hour, taking the empty egg dish with him.<\/p>\n Jo and Lena stayed until the cake was cut.<\/p>\n When I was stacking chairs, Jo came over and helped me carry one to the closet. She said, \u201cThanks for not making me handle him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I said I should have done it before.<\/p>\n She didn\u2019t say it was all forgiven. I didn\u2019t ask her to.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m glad I finally kept my word. I\u2019m also embarrassed it took a marked-out name on an envelope to show me what I\u2019d been asking her to put up with. The next year, when I pulled out the address book, I wrote Lena\u2019s name beside Jo\u2019s before I addressed the first invitation.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n